Monday, October 11, 2010

Asking questions helps you learn

I wish I knew how many times that I have erased this first sentence. I don't know how I want to put this into words, but at the same time I am sitting on this couch trying to get it into words that someone might understand. I also am wondering why it matters that I want someone to understand. If I were to read this on someone elses page I would be thinking "Ok, I understand. I've been there.. but it is just words. Let's see next week, next month if you're doing something about it."

I have been around sick and hurting people most of my life. Some people don't know anyone who has passed away. I have. Relatives have shot themselves, died of heart attacks, died of heart attacks caused by diabetes, and died because their body just gave up from all the trouble it was put through(diebetes included). I also have the memories of continually hearing that nobody lives forever, and "I only have 5 yrs left anyway." When someone you love doesn't care about their life and is continually telling you that they are going to die it hurts. In a way it reminds me of Anne of Avonlea when Mrs Pringle keeps telling her daughter that she is going to die and not to open the windows or go outside. She completely controlled her. In my case it is hearing how they can't go up and down the stairs without having nap afterwards, or my bloodsugars are out of control- while eating things they know that they aren't suppose to, Or chopping wood after being given bed rest, continually doing things specifically against what the doctors are telling them to do. To let them know that you care about them, they in return let you know that the time that they have left they are going to enjoy.. Oh and if they have the major heart attack that is going to kill them they just want to die. No hospital. No ambulance. Just going home.

At this point I realise that my kids have heard these stories. Diabetes is a killer. Most likely with the way things are going they will also have a childhood of knowing how true that statement is. So now I am the parent. I have diabetes too. I know to watch what I say around the kids, but my actions need a check up.

1. Am I talking the same way that I hated hearing people talk while growing up?
2. Am I letting them know that I have a problem, and then hurting myself with self destructive behavior?
3. Are my kids growing up scared that I might not be around later on in their life?

1. NO
2. Sometimes
3. I don't think so.

I had lost weight earlier this year. Then I stopped. I have gained some of that back. I tried again. I didn't want to eat healthy. I didn't want to exercise. My fear was coming true. I am gaining the weight back... I am feeling like I have failed.
This Sunday the Sermon was about Failure. Notes from this sermon. TRUTH THAT ENCOURAGES US-1 God understands our failure. 2 God brings success out of our failure. a)We fail now to succeed later b)we fail in the incidental to succeed in the important c)We fail in the temporary to succeed in the eternal d)We fail outwardly to succeed inwardly. 3 God worls eternal glory through our failure. ACTIONS THAT TURN FAILURE AROUND  1 Accept responsibility for your failure. 2 Accept God's forgiveness for your failure. 3 Apply the lessons of your failure toward success. 4 Arise from your failure and start again. (THANKS PASTOR DAVE)

So here it is. I failed. I gained some weight back. Now time to put words into action. It is not the end of my story.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Change of plans

Last Saturday Night we found out that our neices' birthday party was going to be this week Sunday. We planned on going up after church and returning after the party. It takes almost 3 hrs to get there from home, so every trip is really special. We were invited to spend the night Saturday to have some extra time there. Unfortunately we just were not going to be able to do that. Responsibilities come first and we usually have some commitments at church on first Sunday.

When we arrived at church the next day we saw that the worship schedule had changed. My normal commitment of first Sunday was moved to second Sunday this month. This was a great thing. Now we can have an overnighter in Aberdeen! First Sunday is usually after first Saturday of the month. At our church this means that Men's breakfast was going to be on Saturday. Chris wanted to go. So now "THE PLAN" is as follows. Friday=take kids to schools, go to work, pick up Ellie from school, pick up Tanner from my parents,  have dinner with in-laws, Saturday morning=Men's Breakfast, leave for Aberdeen, watch Nathaniel's soccer game in Montesano at 12:00, spend the night, Sunday= have birthday party, come home.

Friday Morning Tanner wakes up sick. This happens to make plans get thrown out the window. The story could just end here and be summed up nice and neat. However this version of the story does not show the emotional rollercoaster that we just lived through. Prior to knowing that Tanner was sick, he asked me if he could watch cartoons. I informed him that only kids that are dressed and have had breakfast get to watch tv. This is when his tummy hurt, followed by a session of kneeling in front of the toilet. PLANS CHANGE. He gets to now watch tv in his jammies and not have breakfast. Phone calls start. Unless you have had the privelege of having kids, a job, and people who help take care of your kids, you might not realize how many phone calls one must go through in this circumstance. The list-My work(2 differnt voice mails), Tanner's school, My parents, My husband, so it is only 5 phone calls so far. Weekend plans have not been considered at this point just trying to make it through the morning.

At this point Ellie is concerned. It is Friday which means Friday night dinner with Grandma and Grandpa. Ellie likes to wear a dress on Friday, so that she is dressed up for dinner. "Does this mean we don't get to go out to dinner??" I calm her fears. Even if Tanner has to stay home she can go out to dinner. She picks a nice red dress, black tights and her fancy black shoes. I look at her and shake my head. Yes, I will allow her to wear a dress, but those shoes are not going to be able to be used on the playground. CHANGE your shoes. She comes back out with appropriate school worthy shoes.

This is when my father calls back. He wants to know if he can take Ellie to school. Now for me this is a great relief. We normally walk Ellie to school, but I am not going to force my sick son to walk the quarter mile to school. Back up plan= drive kids up to Ellie's school while Tanner holds bowl. I approve his offer. I then let Ellie know that grandpa wants to take Ellie to school on grandma's new trike. She is so excited that her arms are up in the air. A dress is not going to be worn on a motorcycle. Go CHANGE your clothes.     
Chris sends me a text from work. He also is thinking about dinner. (Side note- I am horrible taking care of sick kids. The smell gets me sick) Chris decided that I should take Ellie to dinner and he would stay home with Tanner. I love my husband.

After Ellie gets home she CHANGES back into her outfit, this time wearing the fancy black shoes with my approval. Dinner was at CPK. With our tummies full we went to the mall for some "calorie burning", which really meant we went shopping for the twins' birthday party.

Tanner still has a fever, so the idea of us spending the night in Aberdeen has CHANGED. While shopping Grandma Debby gets a phone call from Uncle Jeremy. He invites them up. Ellie wants to know if she can go with them. Grandma and Grandpa approve (more CHANGE). In fact she suggests Ellie spend the night at their house that night, so that it is not a big deal in the morning when they leave early. Ellie does more shopping with grandma and grandpa while I go home, wrap presents, pack Ellie's bag, and get things together that were suppose to go up to Aberdeen. Chris drove the stuff over and showed Joe how to get to the soccer game. 

Home. With all the CHANGES, Chris and I decide that we are going to have a movie night in. Phone call received. ****PUT YOUR JUDGMENTS ASIDE UNTIL YOU HAVE A NEWBORN**** It was requested that Ellie not go up to Aberdeen with grandma and grandpa. Theory.. Tanner is sick and has a fever. Ellie might be sick and not showing signs. For the safety of a very beautiful new little girl we are playing things on the safe side.

Picture of Ellie holding Camrynn 2 weeks prior

At this point it is to late to get Ellie. She is asleep. Chris woke up early and went over to grandma and grandpa's and broke the news to Ellie. Until this point all of the CHANGES have worked in Ellie's favor. This was a big disappointment. Being the absolutely amazing daddy that Chris is, he skipped the Men's breakfast he had been looking forward to and took his little girl out to breakfast Daddy and daughter time.
The time worked. she walked through the door at home with a smile on her face. "Mommy what do Sarah(Ellie's teddy bear) and I have in common?" I couldn't come up with the answer. "We are both stuffed!"

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The passage

I did not know this until today, but a passage is a one way trip. A journey is a round trip. I do not plan on going back to where I was, so therefore this is a passage.

Raising godly children- I see this as my biggest priority in my life. I have no greater challenge in my life than to let them know that God loves them, died for them, and still lives. I want them to not only have the knowledge of God's love, but the relationship with him. Yet in the end of this particular goal I know they can end up choosing to live for Him or not. This passage scares me.

Healthier- January 17, 2010 I was 187.2lbs and diabetic(2 pills 500mg twice a day). Earlier this year I ended up losing 35lbs and dropping my meds to 1 pill a day. It was great. Then I went on several vacations, and am now struggling.

Better relationships- After this summer I realized that I am very selfish with my own goals to see far enough ahead to plan time to spend with my friends. This particular passage is hard for me to navigate. How am I going to teach my children if I don't know how to do it myself?

Having fun- I am selfish and therefore easy for me to do, especially when I now have the energy to do so. Fear is that with age I will end up sitting somewhere doing nothing. This passage is the easy one for me. I get to plan fun and the follow through is the reward